Mum@large

It’s Christmas.

It’s hot. The air-conditioner has broken down. The Squid has broken almost every ornament on the tree. Her dad’s having chest pains.

Two weeks to go.

The last 12 days of Christmas have brought:

·        Twelve monstrous presents – lugged home at great trial and tribulation on public transport to go to children who probably have three of exactly the same thing at home.

·         Eleven Christmas catch-ups – what makes seeing people this side of Christmas so important? Leaving a visit until after New Year seems just downright untidy.

·         Ten terrible TV shows – what hole do the few okay TV shows sink into at Christmas time? No wonder The Bold and The Beautiful has made prime time.

·         Nine cranky relatives – why is it so hard to decide the where, what and who of Christmas when the when is so easy? Take it from me, THERE IS NO EASY OPTION.

·         Eight unraveling Santas – definitely hard to explain when two appear at the same time. And really, sometimes Santa could take a bit more care in the morning. Travelling tummies, askew beards, ropes for belt… Santa, have some pride.

·         Seven half-baked carols – you never realise until you have a child just how few words to those Christmas carols you actually know. “Dum dum de da” is a standard Christmas lyric at our house.

·         Six tired carers – They’ve held it together all year, but Christmas just seems to be too much for those childcare providers. It’s apparently hard to raise a smile as you unwrap your seventh soap giftpack.

·         Five office shindigs – Crikey, do they ever stop? Too many drinks, too many indiscreet remarks and too many servings of fries.  

·         Four feisty guinea pigs – Both females? Yeah right.  “A” and “B” were suddenly joined by “C” and “D”.

·        Three jolly sisters – the Squid and all three of her big sisters - no.3  back from Holland for the first time in more than two years – decided to put up the Christmas tree.  Johnny Cash is playing, no 2 is having a rare lie-down on the couch, no 1 and no2’s partner are dancing with the Squid around the loungeroom and no 3, their Dad and I are having a wine on the verandah.

·         Two children’s parties – two meltdowns following overload on lollies, excitement, jumping castles and smelly ducklings.

·         And one cracked and lumpy Christmas cake – total cost, about $312 worth of slivered almonds, every single variety of dried fruit, brandy etc. Result – one dodgy but bloody well going to be eaten Christmas cake.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!